Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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