Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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