Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
