Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
