woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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