you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
