guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
