just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
