The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
