dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
