Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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