Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
