I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
