I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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