Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
