im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The Olympian is in my bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
