What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
