she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
