Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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