i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
