Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
