Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
