Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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