Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
