I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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