I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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