saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
