Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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