i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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