i may or may not be watching the land before time
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
