meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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