come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
