He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
