He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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