i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
