john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
