When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
