second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
