Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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