He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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