Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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