I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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