Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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