Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
