just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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