My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have tasted many bathrooms
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
