At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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