I met the friendliest cop last night
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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