Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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