sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
In the future we'll all be gay
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
